Loss For Words

So much has gone on over the last four days I hardly know where to begin! I'm just sitting here in front of the computer, staring at the screen, wondering what to write and where to start. Exhaustion might have something to do with that, too; I'm not sure.

Truthfully, there is nothing newsworthy to share- I worked Friday, went to the prenatal class on Saturday (and must admit that I'm fairly confident we're ready to get these babies born- though part of us is worried and anxious about getting the birthing part done), Sunday was laid back and relaxed, though it really didn't feel like it- and now we're back to Monday and I'm pooped after another day at work.

Husband and I carpooled this morning. The diesel wouldn't start (due to a broken block heater- we now know), so I got up and got ready for work an hour earlier than I normally do. Consequently, I was at work half an hour earlier than I normally am, so asked permission to leave half an hour earlier than I normally do. Luckily, there was no problems with that. And, luckier still, Kyle and I were done work at the same time. He was waiting for me when I came upstairs from Homecare (we're located in the basement of the hospital, which I learned last week was formerly the *morgue* of the facility. Creepy.) I'm so thankful I am ignorant of spirits and don't feel their presence...some of the girls in the office do, apparently. Creepier still.

I learned over the weekend that dad was fairly sick last week. He had three teeth pulled, and when one of them was taken, a vein was nicked (possibly). He did not stop bleeding. My sister told me it just sort of oozed out of the gaping hole in his mouth- sometimes with clots- but otherwise constantly oozing. After 12 hours, and a significant amount of blood loss, Kristin brought him to the hospital, where it took the healthcare staff an additional 2 hours to get the bleeding stopped. Kinda scary. By the time I talked with dad, it was Sunday, and he was starting to mend. His tongue still felt frozen (which makes me think a nerve may have been hit, as well), but was starting to feel better.

On the other side of the family, Kyle's dad got a hose to the eye socket, causing instantaneous bruising. He likes to tell people he got into it with Balzac Billy. Ha. I am not totally sure of the story anymore, but what I remember is that after Kyle's dad had unloaded fuel from his truck, and while he was putting the hose away, it sprung back and just barely hit him in the face; it hit him in just the right manner to burst blood vessels and make people think he'd been in a gnarly fight.

Lastly, Little Ricky wound up in the hospital in Regina this weekend due to an infection in his mouth from a tooth pulling gone bad. The infection was so bad they cut his cheek and inserted a shunt to help drain the infection. Poor guy. We *so* need doctors out this way...My goal tonight was to make him a card, and another card for one of the girls that works at the gas station in Arcola. She is hoping to move into her first home in the next week or so, and i thought it would be nice to make her a house-warming card (and send along a little house-warming gift along with it).

But, I am so tired and sore after working all day long, I only got one card done, and that's Kelly's. Maybe tomorrow night I'll get Little Ricky's done. I got the dishes done, though. I'm impressed with myself for that. My options were either to fall asleep on the couch, and wake up at 4 tomorrow morning and not be able to get back to sleep, or get up and move around, and go to bed at a decent time, sleep as much as I possibly can through the night, and wake up when I'm supposed to, so that I'll be at work on time. I'm working up the courage to approach my boss and tell her I will not be working anymore; I think it will help if I have a note from my OB/GYN (it'll diminish some of the guilt I feel for quitting working), and I'm hoping that after Wednesday, I'll have the go ahead to do that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Proud of Myself

One of my 'homework' items that needed to be completed was getting out and make social connections. Probably the biggest reason why anxiety is such a problem for me is because I am so often lonely out here. Its tough on a girl that *needs* friends when she doesn't have any close enough to keep her socially active. I was invited to a scrapbooking thing a few months ago, but have been putting it off because I didn't know where exactly it was, and other than the girl that invited me, I didn't think I'd know anyone there. Shyness kicked in and prevented me from venturing out on my own and making those social connections. The other reason I haven't wanted to go out is so that I can spend a little more time with my husband, though he succumbs to sleep every evening when supper is over. That adds to the loneliness, too, unfortunately.

Last week, I finally sent Teresa an email, trying to find out if she would be going that week to the crop; she didn't respond, so yesterday on the spur of the moment, I phoned her up and left a message. Either I would go or wait another week to find out what time it started at, where it was, and if she was going. I left a message for her around noontime, but didn't hear back from her until shortly before 5. SOme girls show up early (like at 5), and others make it between 6 and 7. She wasn't going, but she let some of the other people that were going to look for a new face. I guess that meant I *had* to go!

Under usual circumstances, I would psych myself out so much, that I would talk myself out of doing something at the very last minute. Although I was nervous and scared, I wouldn't let myself think that way. I think what helped was Kyle continually telling me he was proud of me for taking that step and following through with it. Just hearing he was proud was super encouragement! He helped me pack up my tote, then started the Yukon for me (loading my tote up at the same time). I would not let myself think negatively at all about what I was about to do. I wouldn't even let my mind venture a guess as to what the women would be like that would be there. I had no expectations, and so I wouldn't be let down or surprised.

I *was* surprised, though. Just as soon as I walked through the doors, one of the girls (baby brain has made me forget her name already!!) suggested I sit at her table; they pulled a chair over for me, and the rest was history. It put me at ease instantly. Wow. Why didn't I do this earlier??! I made two cards while we all sat, visited and played. Then I flipped through the most current Stampin' Up catalogue- one of the girls there is a SU consultant. She's sending me a copy...yay! Time to shop! (Or wish, which is what I will mostly be doing...)

I love the sentiment on this card: newborn- a sweet new blossom of humanity.

When I got home, husband made my efforts totally worth it. His praise and admiration and feedback (and how well the ladies treated me at the scrapbook crop) made me feel all warm and tingly inside. I felt mighty; I can (and will!!) do this again, and this time without any fear and trepidation! Kyle was so proud of me for *doing* it; he didn't think he'd be able to do it if he had been in my shoes. I think he's a lot braver than I am, and I am confident he could have done it- and more- but I'm so happy he felt happy for me. What a great night! (Now if only I could have spent some quality time with him, too, considering he was home *early* for once in our lives! Home at 4 pm is a *rarity* in his career...maybe I'll get my chance tonight. He might have to work again at 9 tonight. If he does, I am going with him- no ifs ands or buts. He might have to push me into the truck, but darn it all, I'm going with him!)

Today I'm suffering, though. I'm tired (I'm going for a nap shortly after this post is done) and my back and pelvic region is complaining very loudly at me. Movement is more of a hassle that it regularly is. And I have to work tomorrow? Oh dear, my next pre-natal isn't going to come fast enough! I *have* to find out if I can start my mat leave! One day at a time...that's what I keep telling myself...

Bulletproof Paper Planes

I'm not sure if I've posted this song before, or not, but its been on my brain for the last couple days...Love it!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUsbpmQ9-mc

The other song of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewRjZoRtu0Y

Yay!!!!!

Gong Show!!!

Gaaah, what a horror story of a night last night! The evening was good, at first, until I discovered little brown spots on the kitchen floor. I was heading to the laundry room to turn the drier on again (to make sure my duvet was completely dry before re-making our bed), and I found a poop clump on the laundry room floor. Our laundry room also doubles as Gregory's toilet. His litter is found in there. Now that he is back on his 'regular' food, his digestive system can't handle it. Apparently he had the poops; it got stepped in (and some was left clinging to his bum), and he tracked it all over the house, the furniture...and, while we were cleaning up his little poopy trail, we discovered he peed in our new area rug in the living room. I couldn't figure out why he was trying to bury the rug yesterday. Kyle got down on his hands and knees for me, and found a pee spot. Aaaaahhhh, you little monster! He's had a lot of 'accidents' in the last year, and I'm starting to think that he might need to go back on special formula food to keep him from having these accidents. I don't know what else to do. As much as I love our animals, I was almost tempted to take Kyle up on his offer (made through anger, mind you) to give our animals away. I'm tired of having a constantly messy house due to animal hair, animal doo doo mishaps, and litter, litter, litter. *Everywhere*. Kyle's tired of it, too. Thankfully, 95% of our house is lino and hard wood floors, so its all easy to clean up, but my poor area rug is still suffering, and I'm *terrified* my house is going to reek like pee. I don't want a stinky house!

I suppose when I go into town to hunt for tp (we are totally out...major catastrophe!!!!!) I'll hunt for animal deodorizer and see if that helps. I don't want to wait until I head into Estevan next week to get it. That's too long. What if we have unexpected company before then? What if kitty decides to pee there again, because he already smells his first accident there? My other option is the steam cleaner, but the problem with that is having to rent it. What about us? I don't want to live in a smelly house...I already think I can smell something, and I am not sure what it is...its most likely my brain tripping me out, though...

Because...

I am such a geek, here's another card:

I really need to get my stereo fixed or find an alternative to the deafening quiet down here in the basement...livestream radio doesn't work well enough to satisfy me!!!

Finally!

Wow, for the first time in *ages*, I actually sat down and made a card. I haven't scrapped in *months*, and it was honestly kind of invigorating.

Here's my masterpiece:

I know its hard to read, but the wording underneath hello sweet baby says, 'the world is a bit brighter now that you are here'.

I've been thinking a lot lately about getting back into playing more, but just haven't had the desire to do it. Actually, its more that I just think what I make isn't good enough (I compare myself to all the other talented crafters out there, and I feel that I just don't measure up), even though Kyle tells me over and over again that I'm just as creative and talented as the next person. I'm my biggest critic! The good news is, I am extremely proud of this card, for how simple it is. I want to make another one, truthfully. And, I think I will. It isn't like I've got anything important to do, other than tidy up the house a little and start some laundry. (All minor deets).

I'm also proud to report to my counselor that I've added another notch in my scheme to distract myself from anything that gives me anxiety. Other than tv, I've got my scrapping, too! I've also been thinking about picking up cross-stitching again, so that if I am not in the mood to come downstairs to play, I can still visit with Kyle, watch tv (somewhat) and play all at the same time. I think its a win-win-win situation! Especially when my feet need to be elevated and iced, which is becoming more and more often. I even iced my knee last night- its begun to hurt, too. My left leg is swollen from my knee all the way down to my toes. I don't think its a good sign, but my feet looked splotchy last night. They're getting puffier. Ugh.

When Dreams Come True...

Lately, sister and I have been on this ESP binge- we've unwittingly (and unknowingly) predicted the births of friends' and familys' babies, and now I am worried it is my turn.

Kristin thinks that the twins are going to arrive mid-February, though I'm worried that's a little too soon, but who really knows?? And, I had a dream last night that has me wondering what 'soon' means.

Let me explain.

Last night, I dreamed that while I was at my next pre-natal appointment, Dr. Naidu told me the twins were coming soon, and after giving me a vaginal exam (don't know why???), she told me that I was 6 cms dialated. I rushed across the street to the hospital (and, in real life, St. Joe's *is* right across the street from Dr. Naidu's office...that's where I am going to deliver the babes) and called Kyle telling him to get there *now*.

The last time I dreamed about being in labor, I happened to meet a friend of mine who *just had her baby*- she was on her way home, and I had just been admitted to the hospital. The day after I dreamed about her, *she had her baby*. She went into labor the day I dreamed that dream, and she gave birth at 7 the next morning. Creepy or what?????? That was in early December.

So, my question is, what does 'coming soon' mean? And, if coming soon means in the next week and a half, HOLY COW!!!! I'm not ready! I'm ready, but not *that* ready! I see Dr. Naidu on the 10th. Sister thinks the twins are going to come sometime between the 18th and 20th of Feb.

As much as I want them out and I want to meet them....I hope we're wrong, I hope we're wrong, I hope we're wrong...

Once in a Blue Moon

One of the benefits of Kyle following oilfield work to this part of the planet is that he rarely (if ever) spends a night away from home due to rig moving. When we were dating, I hated it when he spent 3 or more days away from home. I was so lonely, and I practically lived for his phone calls! The days would drag when he was away, and fly by when he was home with me. If he was away, he would call to say goodnight, and then again in the morning to wish me a good morning. I loved how low and husky his voice got when he told me he loved me on the phone- it was so romantic. It made me want to grab hold of him and squeeze tight and never let go.

As our relationship became more serious, I would accompany him on rig moves (if I was able), and my admiration for him grew in leaps and bounds watching the things he did with his truck. We live in such a marvelous place! The things people can do, with items that people have created, through the smarts and brains God has granted us with, is amazing. That's all I can say. And, the scenery! Even before Kyle and I met, I was lucky enough, on my days off from work, to head out into the bush to visit my sister, who is an oilfield medic. Touring a drilling rig is pretty impressive. (The only accessory that belongs to a rig that I can actually pick out and *remember* what it is called is the dog house.) I took quite a bundle of pictures on those first trips I made with him while he worked. I quickly became his 'swampy', and have learned to winch for him (with his guidance, too, of course- and without anything actually attached to it- the items he hauls are too expensive for little old me to play around with...) Oh, the stories he tells me...

So, he rarely, if ever, spends a night away from home since we moved here to Saskatchewan. That doesn't include tonight. He phoned me at work shortly after lunch to tell me he's stranded in Williston, North Dakota because of some fairly serious mistakes that were made. One was on his part, though its the lesser of the evils that transpired today, and the rest falls on his boss and the company he works for. To make a long story short, he needs to spend 10 hours there without working (because he didn't log his hours like he's supposed to), then head on down to wherever he's supposed to go (its just flown out of my brain. I can't remember the name of the town anymore) first thing in the morning, and then turn around and come home. He figures he'll be home sometime tomorrow afternoon.

The only thing that doesn't sit well with me is sleeping alone. That, and what if I go into labor tonight? How is Kyle going to get home in time to be with me when the babes arrive? I'm not having them without him there. The border closes at 9 pm. He's at least 6 hours from the US/Can border. I don't think I will go into labor (I'm not experiencing any symptoms right now), but things sometimes have a tendency to change rather abruptly. (Like my husband not coming home tonight). So, when silly things happen, like locking my keys in the Yukon and the check engine light coming on and not turning off have to be dealt with by people other than my husband. Thank goodness for Onstar and good guys a girl can trust (such as hubby's co-workers...yup, both happened today, of all days. Onstar tells me that the check engine light is on because there's something wrong with the engine brake, though it should resolve itself within 50 miles, and my keys got locked in the Yukon when I stopped by the shop to pick hound up. Kyle left her there so he wouldn't have to take her across the border. Apparently your pets need papers to cross the border, too!)

Thank goodness he isn't gone often. Hopefully the next trip he makes into North Dakota goes *much* more smoothly- especially considering it could be happening as soon as next week...if it is next week, I hope I can go with him (even though I told him I wasn't riding with him again until the pregnancy is over). I've never seen the southern part of the state, and he tells me its gorgeous! If I get to go along, I'll post pics...

Colostrum leaker...

Well, the pregnancy surprises just keep coming! I know I am getting close to the end, and its about time. Feeling as tired as this absolutely blows. I tried convincing myself to get my errands done yesterday, so that today I could just relax and take it easy. But, that's not the way the day unfolded. And, I am upset with myself. Now I am doing them today, when I should really be conserving my energy, elevating and icing my feet, and taking short naps.

I had a poor sleep again last night. I woke up with acid reflux (??) or heartburn (??) or some sort of cross in between, and didn't sleep well or much between 1:30 and 4:30. Poor hubby was awake along with me whenever I stirred, and he rubbed my shoulder while I tried sitting/sleeping in bed when the heartburn hit. It wasn't comfortable, so I stuffed another pillow underneath my usual one, and that seemed to help a little. I've had this off and on since *before* I got pregnant- at least now I am not waking up choking on bile when it does come up. Last time that happened, we were in Oyen, and I had puked all over myself while I slept. I should have gone for a shower soon after it happened. It was so gross. My pj's needed to be washed, though. Blech. That was sometime during my second trimester. I don't wish it on anyone!

The surprise part, though? Not the acid reflux. Colostrum has begun leaking from my breasts. My mission today is to go to the drug store and try and find pads to insert into my bra. That is, until I need maternity bras, which probably won't be far in the future...What scares me, though, and its just me being rational, is that they may not have breast pads, and if they do, they may not fit into my bras, and if they don't...I'll have to wait until next week and drive down to Estevan and hit up Walmart. Hopefully they've got maternity bras! Otherwise, it means a trip into Regina that I don't really want to take!

Yay for breast feeding!

Pregnancy Woes

What a difference a week or so makes when you're pregnant! I don't remember work being this difficult, but after yesterday, the next 8 shifts are going to be long, torturous and not looked forward to. At all. Work, in general, has been a bit tedious for a while, now- in that my core temperature seems to have spiked again, and I find myself feeling too warm and therefore too uncomfortable in the office. The stretching and poking into my ribs was unwelcome and painful for way too long, but it was easier to deal with (some days) than the misery I feel when I am hot. I hate being hot.

The week has felt super long, and we're only three days into it. Beginning last Saturday, already, sleep was hard to come by- I slept less than 3 hours total Saturday night; Sunday night was long and mostly sleepless, too, but not quite as bad as the night before that. I've gotten back into a good sleep cycle again, though last night I woke up twice to hit the potty, and after falling back to sleep, I woke up with a start thirty minutes later for no unexplainable reason- only to fall back to sleep again in the next heart beat. Training myself for listening to baby sounds in the night? Is that what it could be?

By Monday, my hands, wrists and arms up to my elbows began bothering me. It has not stopped. Its gotten to the point where, when I began making Kyle's lunch this morning, my right hand fell instantly to sleep when I took my splint off (just to make the mustard and mayo spreading easier on myself). Bless my husbands' heart, he stepped in right away and made his lunch himself. Its so unfair! I like doing that for him, and I can't because my hands are all bunged up. Its proving to be a nuisance at work, too. Using the mouse takes both hands to manoeuver and control, frequent breaks are called for, in order that blood can flow freely back in to my digits; holding the phone is probably the most uncomfortable action yet- my shoulders have become the new phone holder, the splints must come off before going to the bathroom, and lotion *must* be applied to my hands and wrists so that my skin doesn't dry out and crack (which its been doing...it feels strangely like paper cuts, but they aren't). Dear Lord, I hope this carpal tunnel doesn't last for 6 months or longer after the twinlets arrive! They're a definite attention getter, and makes me feel self conscious because people keep asking what they're for. If they don't ask, they look at me like I'm a gimp. But, I am. I just don't like it!

I was just plain uncomfortable at work yesterday. I had my maternity belt on (for the first time, really, since I bought it), and it did help relieve some of the pressure from my back, and alleviate some of the heaviness I experience from Twin A occupying the lower portion of my belly, but I found by noontime that it was so tight that I had fairly significant wrinkles in the skin in my belly. It was time to take it off. I couldn't help but wonder if its going to hurt the babies at all. I am also convinced there *has* to be a size bigger than the one I bought from Thyme Maternity. She said its one size fits all, but I have my doubts. Babies R Us has two sizes. How does the one I bought compare to the ones they carry? In the afternoon, stiffness began setting in. Standing up from sitting had become more uncomfortable, standing for any length of time made me feel tired (especially in the legs), my knee began aching, and I wasn't sure if it was due to swelling in it or if I pulled a muscle or something; waddling intensified, my core temperature increased, the mouse not cooperating with my gimpiness was testing my patience, and just plain tiredness and exhaustion was making me lose the battle with my patience. By late in the afternoon, the poking into my ribs had commenced. Usually that's the last straw, when I've reached my wits end. Once the negative thoughts started, so did the anxiety. My anxiety would usually be interrupted by something else that frustrated me, making me forget about the anxiety, until somehow, it would make its way back into my brain and being when I was relaxed.

The straw that broke the camel's back, though, was my leaky faucet for a nose yesterday. I went through an entire box of kleenex in the span of 8 hours. I mean, seriously. Come on. I picked up the mail after dropping (unwillingly) by the grocery store to pick up lunch meat and bread, only to find that a bill I owe to the government is past due, and our power bills are outrageous. I don't understand how one month our power bill can be one amount, and the next month is twice what it normally is. It isn't like we use any more power than previously! Both gas and electricity are twice what they normally are. And, they aren't overdue. Saskpower sucks on a good day, and now they are charging us more for poor service?? Seriously. The blizzard that hit us over the weekend should not have caused power outages- and what's worse is it shouldn't be taking 5 days *or longer* to fix the problem. Is Saskpower going to pay for these folks to repair broken pipes due to freezing temperatures? Who's going to pay for that?

I must be a big city Albertan girl. My attitude towards this province is not very admirable- ever. They are so backwards, it aggravates me and I have no patience for it. I should go back home, but I'm here for my husband. I'll go home when he wants to go back home. Until then, I'm going to hate this province and living in it!!

I owe the government $300 because now that I'm married, as a couple, we made too much money last year. I haven't paid them back yet because we bought a new truck, we owed the town of Manor $3000 for paving our streets, and they sent the bill right at Christmastime (both to pay what we owed to town and my personal bill for taxes). Super timing, stupid government. The $3000 I got for my car is going to be gone before we even know it. We are still waiting on $3000 or $4000 from the government because Kyle closed his business account. That's going to be his tax credit. We were expecting it at the beginning of January, and now we are on February's doorstep. It feels as though we're never going to get it.

And, tell me, why do we need to wait until our babies are born before we can apply for the child benefit tax? We need the money as soon as they get here, not three months after they are born! Especially with two right off the bat. The money will help us out, considering *I* will be buying everything they need, rather than having a lavish baby shower, like everyone else gets to have. (Am I resentful? Yes, I am, a little). And, we don't even know when they're getting here. They could be here before the week is out, for all I know. (Speaking of which, I gave Kyle a heart attack last night, by accident. I was moving around in bed, trying to get comfortable, and I felt intense pain suddenly in my groin area. I can't remember what I did, but I must have said something, or done something, because he froze and asked me if I was alright. I was, I just hurt myself. Sorry sweetie! I didn't mean to scare you!!)

Lastly, we (Kyle and I both) think I am losing my mind, but do some women experience leakage from their breasts before their babes are born? I've been sleeping naked since getting pregnant, to keep my temperature in the comfortable range (in addition to turning the furnace way down overnight), and sometimes after accidentally brushing against myself, I've found my forearm to be wet. Unless I'm spitting on myself while I'm talking, I can't figure out why I get myself wet. If I am leaking, its only from one breast, at the moment. Its unusual...

A thought just occured to me- am I close to delivering my babies? The fact that Twin A has probably already dropped (that's a self diagnosis) made me think that we're getting close. Is this just another symptom that going into labor could be coming soon??